Birth Fathers

Your Choices

If you have just been told that you have fathered a child and this is an unplanned pregnancy, then you now have some choices to make. Right now you are probably feeling shocked and overwhelmed. You are probably worried about your future and the future of your child. It is important that you understand your choices and that you look not only on your own best interest but more importantly what is best for your child.

We know that the decision that you will make will not be an easy one, but we want to do our part by providing you with as much information as we can so that you can make a wise, informed decision regarding your future and the future of your child.

Your choices include:

  • Adoption
  • Single Parenting
  • Marriage
  • Shared Parenting with the Mother of the Child
  • Abortion

In making your decision remember that whatever you decide should be a decision that you can live with the rest of your life. Christian Adoption Services is here to help you to sort through all of your options and will help you with valuable information during your decision process. You don’t have to go through this pregnancy alone.

Marriage

If you and the mother of your child are ready to commit your lives to each other and both want to parent this child, then that is great! A child needs a stable, loving, committed family. But, if you are getting married due to the pregnancy, you are facing a long, tough road ahead. There are some who have gotten married due to a pregnancy and are still married today. Each of them would say that it was very hard and that you had to give of yourself with very little in return and no time to yourself. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Are you ready to share everything about yourself with another person?
  • Are you able to share your space with another person?
  • Will you be able to financially support yourself and this person?
  • Are you ready to cook, clean the house, and do the laundry for yourself and another person?
  • Are you ready to live 24-hours a day with this person?
  • Do you still imagine yourself 20 to 30 years down the road with this person?

Close your eyes and picture yourself with this person. Do you see yourself doing all of the things listed above? Now add a child into the picture. Are you ready to do everything for this person that you have said yes to and parent a child at the same time?

If you answered no to this question, then you don’t need to marry this person. During the first year of marriage, trying to get to know your spouse and taking on the 24-hour care of a newborn will put a huge strain on your relationship and marriage. No one wants to have their child experience the pain of a broken home relationship. Before you make a decision about marriage you need to make sure it is a education decision. Look at yourself years from now. Think about how your child’s life will be. If you don’t see yourself taking care of this person and a new baby at the same time, then take a moment to consider adoption as the option to your pregnancy.

Shared Parenting

This is when you both agree to parent the child without the commitment of marriage. You might be considering alternating parenting roles for your child. When you choose this option make sure that you both come to an agreement on including:

  • Whose turn it is to take care of the child today, tomorrow and so on?
  • What are you going to do when it is your turn to take care of the child for the weekend and you have other plans?
  • Who gets to spend the holidays with the child?
  • Who is going to pay for what?
  • Who will obtain health insurance for the child?
  • Who will get to claim the child on their income tax return?
  • What will happen when one of you gets married?

Let’s take a look at this relationship years down the road. What will it be like? Do you foresee that the two of you will get along and be able to communicate with each other in the same way that you are able to now? Do you really think that you can handle the other person marrying and starting a family with someone else? Now, think about your child. Do you want your child to live in two different homes? Do you think that it is fair for the child to float between the two of you?

Now you need to consider if shared parenting is best for your child. If you feel that you are not ready right now is not the time for you to parent your child or that you don’t want to share custody of your child with the other partner, then please consider adoption. Even if you don’t want to share custody of your child, the other partner has rights to the child.

Abortion

Before you were born, God knew that you would be here at this moment. God wants you to make the best decision for yourself and your child, but it has to be a decision that you can live with for your entire life. You can only make a good decision when you put God first in your life. You might be thinking that an abortion would be easy at this time in your life and that it would solve this problem. Yes, abortion would be a quick solution to your current situation and it will allow you to continue on your life’s journey without the burden of parenting a child. But think about your life years from now:

  • Will you regret your choice later on in life?
  • Do you think that you will not be tormented by your choice later on in life?
  • Will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you took a life?
  • How will you feel if your abortion keeps you from having children later on in life?
  • How will you feel about missing out on seeing your child grow and develop?
  • How will you handle your emotions when your child’s due date or birthday comes around?
  • Do you think that you will be happy and smile once you have aborted your child?
  • Are you ready to have a lifetime of regret about your choice?

If you have a friend who has had a abortion ask them if they regret their decision. We have never encountered anyone who has experienced an abortion who state that they do not regret the abortion and forget about it.

Think of giving the gift of life to your child. Giving your child life will give you the freedom to experience knowing the sex of your child, what your baby will look like, etc. You may think that at this time in your life you are not ready to become a parent to a child. But you don’t have to. We have many families who are waiting to have the opportunity to experience being a parent. If you place your child for adoption with a loving family, you will feel good about your choice. You will have a better outlook on life. You will have the promise of seeing your child as he/she grows and knowing the future that you have your child.

Single Parenting

Single parenting is one of the hardest jobs that a person can take on. It requires making daily decisions that will not only affect your child in the present but also the future of your child. Ponder these few questions that focus in on you and your future plans:

  • Are you ready to take care of this child’s health, safety, and wellbeing?
  • Are you ready to be tied-down to this child for the next 18 years and not be able to do what you want to do?
  • Are you ready to juggle work or school and stay awake during the night for feedings or when the child is sick?
  • Is this child included in the dreams that you have for yourself?
  • Are you financially, physically and spiritually ready to give 100% of yourself to this child?
  • Do you want the child to live in the same surroundings that you live in?
  • Are you ready for your significant other to say that they do not want to be involved in your life or the life of your child any longer?
  • Are you ready to parent this child alone?

If you said no to any of these questions, you need to consider adoption. But, if you were able to answer yes to all of these questions, then you will be a great parent!

If you find that you are not ready to be a parent to this child after he/she is born and realize that you are not at a place in your life that you can provide all you want for your child, you will not be a bad parent for choosing to place your child for adoption. It takes a very courageous person to come to that realization that you have to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. It takes a very strong person to say that they want a better life for their child.

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Right’s and Responsibilites

You do have rights. You have the right to know about the adoption process. Some fathers are scared about the adoption process, but then they come to the realization that they may not have the time or resources to raise the child. Many need the reassurance that they can be involved in the adoption process if they so desire.

It is important to share your feelings with the adoption counselor and the birth mother so that the communication process stays open and honest. Counseling is available to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Adoption Process

Adoption is a very loving solution for those who are not at a place in their life to be a parent and for those who have been longing to be a mom and dad through adoption. Christian Adoption Services cares about your welfare, as well as the welfare of your child and of the adoptive families. We feel that it is very important for you to know and understand all aspects of the adoption process. CAS counselors are here to answer all of your questions whenever you need us. All of your discussions will be kept confidential.

There is a reason why God has allowed you to be in this situation and adoption may be God’s answer for you. Think of adoption in the same way that God thought about Jesus dying on the cross. God didn’t look at the journey Jesus was going to have to go through during his life on the earth, but rather, the joy that his death was going to bring to all. So, don’t think of your journey that you will walk through your pregnancy, but rather, consider the joy that you will bring to other through the gift of adoption.

CAS allows you to customize your adoption plan to the type of adoption that you desire and the extent you would like to be involved with the child after placement with an adoptive family. CAS also works with the adoptive families to select the amount of openness in their adoption that is best for them. Please read the section on open and closed adoption to get familiar with your choices.

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How can the agency help you?

When you find that your partner is pregnant and you don’t know where to turn, then take the time to consider adoption. Adoption is the most selfless act that a parent can do for their child. Adoption is a way that you can provide a secure future for your child and it allows you to fulfill the plans that you have for your life.

We strongly believe that counseling is an important factor when you are considering adoption. We have professional counselors who are located all throughout North Carolina who are available to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Topics that will be discussed with you include how the adoption process works, the importance of having a placement plan for your child, and answering any other questions that you might have. We encourage you to participate in the adoption process to whatever level you feel comfortable with. You can elect to meet the family who adopts your child and receive pictures of the child if you wish.

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FAQs

  1. Is there a way to find out if my girlfriend is really pregnant?

    Yes. One way to determine a pregnancy is to take a home pregnancy test. These tests are reasonably accurate. If you want an even more accurate test, then your family doctor can perform a pregnancy test which is the most reliable option to take.

  2. I think that my girlfriend is pregnant, but she will not communicate with me. I want to be involved, but don’t know how to communicate this to her. What are my responsibilities?

    Keep in mind that she is going through a separate set of emotions at this time. She may be feeling upset, angry or anxious about the pregnancy. She is probably wondering what her family or friends will think when they find out and how she will raise a child alone. You need to openly discuss how you feel with her, and what level of involvement you want to have. It is important for you to be a part of the decision making process regarding the future of your child. Letting her know of your feelings may make her feel more comfortable about including you in the future plans she will be making about the child. If you both feel that adoption would be in the best interest of your child, your next step would be to meet with one of our Pregnancy Counselors to make a plan that is best for the both of you.

    If abortion comes up as a possible alternative to this pregnancy, then you both need to look at the long term effects of that choice. Most people who choose abortion later experience emotional scars, not to mention the physical problems that can arise. If you love one another then marriage is another option. If you both know that you are willing to commit the next 18 years of your life to the other then that might be an option. Keep in mind that if the birthmother decides to parent the child on her own, then you will be required to pay child support until the child is eighteen years old. You would need to contact an attorney to understand what your rights and responsibilities are, and to learn how to file for paternity, and other legal issues.

  3. My girlfriend is pregnant and I believe I am the father. Now that we broke up, I am scared that I will not be included in the future plans of the child. I don’t want to get back together, but I do want to be involved. What do I do now?

    You need to remember to focus on the most important thing….your child and what is in the child’s best interest. This means that you need to communicate between the two of you enough to make the right decisions regarding your child’s future. Your counselor will work with both of you confidentially to discuss your choices. This is a difficult time for both of you, and even if you don’t agree with each other, you can still agree on what is best for your child.

  4. I care about my child, but I am not ready to parent him or her at this time in my life. What can I do?

    It is very hard to come to the conclusion that you are not ready to be a parent. By way of relinquishment of your parental rights, adoption is a great way to meet both of your needs. The child would be taken care of by loving parents, and you could receive pictures of the child for up to eighteen years so you can see how well the child is going.

  5. Will my child know anything about me? Will he or she know that I love them?

    Yes, if you are willing to share information with them. Children who are placed for adoption feel more secure knowing information about their birthparents and knowing that they were loved by their birthparents. We have forms that you will fill out regarding your information like what is your favorite color, what you like to do for fun and your traits so that your child knows information about you and your family. We would also love to have pictures of you and your family for your child to have.

We hope that some of your questions have been answered. Please contact us at 704-847-0038 or 1-800-453-1011 if you have any questions.

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